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2012
* Names have been changed to protect the students’ identities.
Finding Common ground
Because such a situation can be difficult to salvage, parents
should actively evaluate their relationships with their children to
prevent it in the first place, according Daniel McGrath, owner
of Daniel McGrath Family Therapy in Encinitas, Calif.
“It’s unfortunate that it’s come to that,”McGrath says.
“It’d probably be better for the parents to be committed to
finding some way to get some time with their kids than to force
their kids to spend time with them. Hopefully, the parents
won’t let the relationship deteriorate to the point where their
kids can’t stand them, [but if it happens], I would say that
rather than force [the kids], work really hard to figure out
something that the kid’s willing to do, and work from there.”
generation gap
Just as parents who attempt to genuinely understand their
children may be able to foster better communication and
consequently better relationships, those who display too much
disregard for and intolerance of their children and their opinions,
beliefs and perspectives often impede the development of healthy
relationships. Torrey Pines High
School freshman Melinda Wang
has experienced such a rift between
her father and herself. She often
disagrees with his opinions, yet
still respects her parents and
wants to spend time with them.
“I probably don’t tell them
everything anymore, and I stay
in my room a lot more now than
hang out with them,”Wang says. “I do want to talk to them and
I do want to hang out with them…[but] my parents think I’m so
rebellious. Sometimes I just don’t agree with all of their opinions.”
Although Melinda’s father, Hongyu Wang, doesn’t always
agree with his daughter, he says that he still recognizes the need
for open communication between parents and their children.
“Parents have their responsibilities,” Hongyu says. “They
need to understand and know how their kids are doing
and, more importantly, whether they need more support
and help or protection. So parents have to spend a certain
amount of time to communicate with children.”
the great divide
For some parents, however, this is easier said than done.
Cindy Choe’s father, who stayed to work in South Korea while
the rest of his family moved to San Diego, can only visit his wife
and children once a year. Her mother is currently visiting South
Korea, as well, leaving Choe with her brother, a college student.
Choe, a senior at Torrey Pines High School, says
that she doesn’t spend much time with her brother and
does not consider spending time with her family a top
priority, although she recognizes its importance.
“Family members are the only people that you can
actually trust, who love you the most,” she says.
In addition to physical barriers and personality differences,
underlying cultural attitudes and traditions also play a role.
“My observation is that the average American family doesn’t
spend as much time [together],”Wang says. “One thing is the
culture. Some parents’ priorities are [different than others].”
need For independenCe
Yet another factor that contributes to children’s
tendency to drift apart from their families is their naturally
growing sense of independence, says Christopher.
“Now that I’m a lot older I‘d like to be more independent,”Tate
says. “I don’t spend much time with my family. I spend enough as
it is. Yet, [because] I’m older, I appreciate [family time] more.”
Christopher, however, says that such growth
should not be left unchecked; too much independence
can be detrimental to a child’s relationships.
“Ideally what happens as someone moves forward in their
life is that they establish themselves, they grow…into a healthy
sense of who they are as a separate individual while maintaining a
healthy relationship with their original family,” Christopher says.
“It shouldn’t be so much that somebody
completely separates; it’s more that they
learn to develop their own identity while
maintaining that sense of who their family
is and where that fits in their life.”
By the same token, children
who spend too much time with their
families may be negatively influenced
if some family members aren’t the
role models they should be, according
to Davidson. Even if their family members do steer them in
the right direction, spending an inadequate amount of time
with those outside of their families can be detrimental.
Working at it
In general, however, spending time with
one’s family is more beneficial than not.
“My family has value in my life because they teach me how to
believe in my goals, and they push me up when I’m going down and
teach me my rights and my wrongs,” says Sonja Spain, a sophomore at
Torrey Pines High School. “[They] teach me life lessons and help me
overcome my challenges by encouraging me to always do my best.”
Ultimately, families spend time together in a variety of ways
and activities. Whether this is the result of natural growth, busy
schedules, differences in opinion and personality, cultural attitudes
or ever-present distractions, both children and parents may find
that making meaningful time with each other—or at least more
than 38.5 minutes of it per week—doesn’t come naturally.They
must make a conscious, concerted effort to develop and maintain
healthy relationships with each other if they are to enjoy the
present and future benefits of family connection and support.
“Now that I’m a lot
older I‘d like to be
more independent…”
educate
S.A.T. (Student
Awareness Tools)
summer
2012
maskmatters.org
61
Star Struck:
Family Focus
Celebrities share their family moments past and present
Compiled by Cory Lomberg
Khloe Kardashian
“We are a real family. We
don’t sugarcoat anything.
We’re not the Brady Bunch,
but we always put each other
first. We love each other on
camera, we cry on camera.
I think people relate to the
realness of it.”
Michelle obaMa
“Barack is home at least once
a week. We’re really doing
family stuff. We go on bike
rides, going swimming and
playing tennis.”
rob lowe
“A typical saturday night is
the boys’ having their friends
over—so, teens splashing
in the pool and listening to
electronic dance music. I
want our house to be the
house that everybody goes
to. On sunday mornings, we
sleep in, have a big brunch
and then decide what we’re
going to do that’s sports-
oriented, [like] surf, play
tennis [or] watch football.”
Molly shannon
“my dad grew up as a real
trickster and I passed that
on to my kids. They like to
think of tricks to play. Once
my son put an ice cube
under my pillow.”
antonio banderas
“The thing you’ll never see
me do is scream at my kids. I
prefer to sit down and talk to
them. They respect that, and
they come to me with their
problems instead of hiding
because they’re afraid of
being grounded.”
educate
Sources: Redbook.com,
AccessHollywood.com,
GoodHousekeeping.com
PhOTOgrAPhy
Joe Seer, K2 Images, Feature Flash, S. Buckley, Helga Esteb for Shutterstock.com
S.A.T. (Student
Awareness Tools)