It’s Personal – But Not Personal

Each year, approximately 4,400 children commit suicide due to bullying. In one month alone, in 2023, there have been 4 cases that made National Headlines about bullying and suicide. Unfortunately it is only going to get worse unless something is done. I wrote a prior blog called, ‘A Letter for School Districts Regarding Bullying‘ which outlines a very detailed plan on how to not only help victims of bullying, but to also help bullies and even the parents of both types. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And something clearly needs to change. Now!

Because the program suggestions I made are already in place for adults, there should be no reason for delaying putting together a format for children and parents to get them the help they so desperately need before it is too late. The School Districts need to cut the bureaucratic bologna and/or red tape and do something about this growing problem. Enough stalling. So many parents have been quoted in countless news articles after their child is deceased or harmed because of bullying stating, “I went to the school and they did nothing to help my child from being bullied.”

That statement which has been repeatedly quoted by numerous parents is really starting to put Schools, School Districts and Superintendents in a bad-light. Their inability to handle bullying issues they were made well aware of and, yet allowed it to continue to the point where a child saw no other option than to end their life is inexcusable. It truly comes across almost as if those who have the power to make REAL CHANGES do not want a true solution to the problem. It comes across as if they want turmoil in their hallways, bathrooms and classrooms. Yes, I said it. Enough coddling when it comes to bullying. Children are literally dying or being harmed because of it. It’s time to get real. And if real means tough consequences, then tough it shall be.

I recently appeared on a TV Talk Show where I not only discussed my Award-winning book, Bullied: Dying to Fit In.  But more importantly, I mentioned the Top 3 Reasons why bullies bully. My hope was to give a new perspective for both the victims of bullying and the bullies themselves. Because if you can understand why or how something works or why someone behaves in the negative manner they do, it is no longer a mystery. And therefore, easier to manage if or should it happen again. In other words, being attacked verbally or physically will still hurt (obviously), but the sting will not be as great anymore. Why? Because you will come to realize that it is NOT ABOUT YOU personally. It never was about you. It was always about THEM. The bully and their own pain and the deflection of said pain. You just happened to be the unlucky mirror they stood before to unleash their wrath.

So, without further ado, let’s get into the Top 3 Reasons Why a Bully Bullies.

1. The bully is emotionally/mentally/physically in some form of pain. They need an outlet for that pain. To get a release. So, they choose a particular person as their target to unleash that pain/deflect it. Sometimes the bully may have an understanding as to why they are acting out in such a  negative, violent way towards their victim. Other times, they may not understand why they are feeling the negative way they do, so they again, deflect their anger and confusion out on a victim, regardless. Getting rid of their pain, even if only momentarily, makes them feel better about themselves. Only they fail to realize that feeling is fake. Because the pain did not go anywhere. It is still nestled down inside their soul, churning and eating away at them.

2. The bully is jealous of something their victim has in their life that they themselves do not have, too. Or feel that they lack. It could be something materialistic, a talent, because someone gets better grades than them, etc… The bully becomes so focused on what their victim has, they fail to look at what they themselves might have; their own talents, materialistic items, family, etc… So, once again, they take those negative feelings and deflect them upon a chosen victim to try and make themselves feel better.  But again, it is a false “good feeling” that will not last.

3. The bully has been raised in an environment of bullying within the home. They are merely mimicking what they have seen throughout the years. I have friends who are teachers who have told me that during Parent/Teacher Conferences with parents of a child who bullies, that the parents often act more unruly than their bullying child. It’s quite disturbing. But, like I stated in the TV Interview – “What can be learned, can be unlearned.” So, there is hope to change negative behavior into positive behavior with the right resources.

For the Victims of Bullying:

You need to know that it’s personal – but not personal. You, the victim did nothing wrong to deserve being bullied. Every time a bully comes for you, just imagine you are a mirror. Everything negative and cruel they are spewing forth at you, they are really saying to themselves. Every punch or kick they give you – they are really hitting themselves.

Bullies are full of self-hate and often confused by their anger and negative emotions. This is why they need to deflect it out onto someone. And I am so sorry if that someone happens/happened to be you. You did not and do not deserve to be bullied or mistreated by anyone for any reason. There is no excuse for bad behavior or for someone to put their hands on you in a violent manner. Ever!

I hope what I wrote in this blog was able to shed some fresh light on your situation and help victims of bullying realize they are not the problem. Stay focused on your life and heal. Set some goals for yourself and obtain them. Do not allow a bully to deter you from your dreams. Do not let your school work suffer, either. By doing so, you have allowed the bully to win. To take control of your life and live rent-free inside your head whether in or out of school.  You take control of your life whether they drag you or not. Stay the course and you will come out a winner in the end.

For the Bullies:

As for the bullies, you have a problem. The good news is you can get help and become a better person. You can stop being a bully. You can deal with whatever pain is going on down on the inside of you. And, you can unlearn bullying behavior based on your environment growing-up. You are not a lost cause. You just have to want to make changes for yourself. No one can make you change. Only you can put forth the effort. You have the ability to stay focused on your life and heal. Set goals for yourself and obtain them. And like your victims, if you stay the course, you can be a winner, too in the end. But again, it is your choice.

I will end this blog by saying to both the bullied and the bullies, in case no one ever told you, “You matter!”