Where’d They Go

Now that your child is in high school, you never see him or her

Sound familiar? Once teens begin high school, they begin to construct their own lives with their own friends, schedules and priorities. How will they fit us in?

One issue that impacts the relationship between a parent and their high school-age child is the fight for independence balanced with spending quality “grown-up” time as a family. Despite how much our kids need—and fight for—independence, they still need their parents.

While you may no longer “play” with your child, you can still spend quality time with him or her. In high school, teens become more mature. They are able to make more independent decisions, and can understand and do more complicated things. They also need a different kind of parent relationship that includes supervision, joint decision making, trust, respect and sharing of responsibility.

Again, don’t try to be “cool;” they can see right through that. Rather, find out what is fun for them and then create ways to do these activities together. Playing video games, going to museums, trying new restaurants, shopping, cooking on a regular basis, volunteering, creating art, or just hanging out in their room with them talking about what’s going on in their lives are just a few ideas for spending time with your teen. Not only are they easy to do, they will also engage them into having a meaningful relationship with you.

Effects & benefits

Engages in fewer risky behaviors

Decreased chance of engaging in sexual activities early

Increase in academic success

Decreased behaviors of social aggression

Decreased chance of early substance use

Performs better in sports, academics or the arts

Exerts a sense of purpose, drive and motivation

Sets goals

Completes tasks

Successful relationships

Well-developed sense of responsibility

Healthy dating/romantic relationships

High self-esteem

What you can do

Eat together.

Go on day trips together to a place of your teen’s choosing.

Cook together.

Get involved in their activities, hobbies and school.

Get to know their friends, and invite them and their parents to do activities together.

Read the same books they’re reading.

Listen. Don’t give advice or judge, just listen.

Don’t get into power struggles with them. Establish the rules, and stick to them and their consequences.

Make decisions about school, vacations, activities and friends together.

Plan each other into your schedules.

Make them a priority. Go to their events, plan “dates” with them and, when you are with them, focus on them (not your phone, or email or work).

Volunteer together.

Conversation starters

“You have to volunteer for school. Why don’t we volunteer together?”

“Let’s go to the movies together this weekend.”

“You’re important to me and I’m here for you.”

“Where would you like to go for a vacation, dinner, or a day trip?”

“Tell me about (name friend, activity, event or interest).”

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