Modeling Purpose

The most effective way to help children reach their goals and become internally motivated is to teach them about purpose.

Kendall Cotton Bronk, an associate professor of psychology at the Claremont Graduate University in the Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences, says modeling purpose is key in helping children and teens discover a personally meaningful direction in life.

“Have you ever told your teen or 20-something what gives your life purpose? Have you tried explaining how raising children fills your life with meaning, or how doing a job that has a positive impact on the lives of others gives your life direction?” she asks. “Rarely do we share the things that give our own lives purpose, but doing so is critical. Not only does it help introduce adolescents to the language of purpose, but it can also help them begin to think about the things that give their own lives purpose.”

Bronk also suggests having parents encourage their child to reach out to other adults who know them well and ask them such questions as:

What do you think I’m particularly good at?

What are my greatest strengths?

What do you think I really enjoy doing?

When do you think I’m most engaged?

How do you think I’ll leave my mark on the world?

“The responses your child receives can be very eye-opening,” she says. “Young people tend to learn quite a bit about their purpose when they hear what others think it might be.”

Help your teen find their purpose

Make your family feel like a community. Even though they may resist tasks and responsibilities you give them, they will secretly take pride in the fact that they are needed and in completing those jobs.

Encourage your teen to volunteer. Volunteer work is critical in the lives of teens. It’s not only good for their hearts and souls, but it gives them another way to increase their sense of purpose.

Consider your teen get an after-school job. This will accomplish two things: Your teen will be a part of a team and learn how to manage money.

Invite your teen to join you when you visit a lonely neighbor or an ailing relative. You will teach your child the importance of being present for those in need. Your teen will also get the message that the are part of something larger and that they’re needed in a variety of areas in life.

Have your teen be a good friend. When your teen is going out with friends, remind him or her that they are responsible for one another. This, creates a feeling of importance and being necessary, and may even lead to greater safety.

Ways parents can foster purpose

Model purpose. To spark ideas, talk with your teen about what gives your life purpose. Does raising children fill your life with meaning? Perhaps your career allows you to make a difference in the broader world?

Focus on your teen’s strengths. Purpose emerges when young people apply their strengths to make an impact. Point them towards activities and interests that suit them.

Emphasize gratitude. Reflecting on blessings and the people who have helped them naturally prompts young people to consider how they want to give back. Express gratitude as a family—maybe as a daily practice at the dinner table or in notes on a kitchen chalkboard.

Talk about the far horizon. Long-term thinking helps teens focus on what they want out of life. What do they think will be important to them in the future? Why?

It takes a village. Encourage teens to reach out to friends and family members—and encourage family and friends to reach out to your teen. Other supportive adults can share the good qualities they see in your teen, and nurture them towards vision and action.

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